Men Side: The importance of open, honest and candid communication both personally & professionally. The opportunities created by being forward and proactive.

For most men, being real about their innermost feelings is something that just isn’t that easy to do. Almost from birth, men are flooded with “lessons” about what it means to be a man. They are taught to “suck it up,” that “real men don’t cry,” and that the “tougher” you are, surely that must equate to the depth of your masculinity.

With notions such as these so deeply rooted within the spirit of a man, it is no wonder that so many men have such a tremendous amount of difficulty in being vulnerable, open, and honest in the expression of their deepest emotions. However, those men who dare to defy the societal impositions of masculinity forced upon them often live lives full of personal and professional success beyond measure. The primary reason for this success is because it is in our moments of genuineness that we are able to connect with one another as human beings, regardless of the differences that typically seek to divide us.

In a man’s professional life, when he is genuine with himself and those around him, he is able to tap into the true desires of his heart and identify those things which are most important to him. He can ascertain his passions, be candid (with himself and others) about his current circumstances, and seek out whom and what it he needs to navigate himself into the arenas that he desires to travel within. Not only is he able to communicate what it is that he needs and wants, but he is typically respected and well-liked for being a person of good character and genuineness. The key to his success lies not within his ability to manipulate people or his situations, but it is in his being liked by those who know him. As a result, not only do people want to do things for him, but they keep him in mind for opportunities and advancement that he himself may not even be aware of. Bottom line – when people like you, they want to see you succeed.

In his personal life, when a man is able to communicate the private thoughts of his mind to the woman that he has given his heart to, that woman cannot help but love him truly, deeply, and passionately. While most men are able to rattle off “poor communication” as among one of the primary reasons that most relationships don’t last, it is but a small number of men who are able to recognize how much they often contribute to such ill interaction between themselves and their mate. Although it may be true that women, by nature, are more verbal than men and often out speak them, it is equally true that women desire to have their men communicate honestly and openly about everything that affects them. While this can often be a challenge for men, learning how to break the glass ceiling of communication can help men who are frustrated, disappointed, unhappy, or just simply feeling like their lives could be richer than it currently is.

The easiest way to move yourself from a man who is closed, unable or unwilling to communicate is to begin simply by making the decision that you want to begin to communicate more openly, honestly and genuinely about your thoughts and feelings. By making this decision, you can then set out to take advantage of the opportunities to do so as they present themselves. In the beginning, it will be important to start “small.” That means that you may not start by telling people your greatest fears or biggest secrets, but it may be about taking a deep breath and pausing to think before you speak the next time someone asks, “So what do you think?” or “How do you feel about that?” And after that deep breath, and pause for reflection, you actually take the risk of communicating honestly and openly about your thoughts and feelings. Perhaps when you realize that the world doesn’t fall off of its axis, you’ll be able to do it again, and again, and again.

Until next time...

S.

Somewhere in the United States, a woman is assaulted every nine seconds. It is estimated that (at least) one in three women will be beaten, coerced or abused at some point during her lifetime. Abuse doesn't have to happen all the time. It can happen occasionally or even only once. Educating yourself about Domestic Violence (also known as Intimate Partner Violence, or IPV) will empower you with the tools you need to protect and empower yourself and those you care about.

First and foremost, be aware that Domestic Violence is an equal opportunity abuser. Young or old. Rich or poor. Anyone can be abused. Secondly, know that Domestic Violence comes in a various forms. Knowing what they are can help you spot someone in trouble. Common forms of abuse include:

Physical Abuse

Being pushed, shoved, slapped, pinned down, kicked, and/or having objects used as weapons against you are all forms of physical abuse.

Social Abuse

Forced isolation from friends and family or being unable to participate in certain activities are all examples of social abuse. A person may give in to this form of abuse in order to avoid an argument or because they fear that fighting it may lead to other forms of abuse.

Financial Abuse

This may include not being provided enough money, being forced to give your money to your partner, or only being allowed to make purchases approved by your partner.

Sexual Abuse

Being forced, pressured or threatened to engage in any form of sexual activity against your will.

Spiritual Abuse

Having your spiritual beliefs used to manipulate your thoughts, feelings and/or behaviors, being prevented from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs, or being ridiculed for your religious or spiritual beliefs.

Psychological and/or Emotional Abuse

This form of abuse includes being put down, purposely neglected as a form of punishment, and emotional blackmail.

Perhaps the most common, and often times overlooked form of Domestic Violence is Verbal Abuse. This form of abuse can include your being called names, threatened (either directly or indirectly), criticized, blamed for the victimizer’s abusive behavior, or being the target of their violent or abusive anger.

What often makes verbal abuse such an insidious form of Domestic Violence is many abusers do not recognize that they have a problem. After the abuse, they are likely to act as if nothing happened, and may even seem to be in a better mood after the abuse has occurred. This often occurs for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they feel as if they have “won” and gotten you to back down, feel badly about yourself, or forced you to give in to what it is that they are wanting.

Even worse, verbal abusers often attempt to project a “perfect image” to the world, opting to exhibit most of their abusive behavior behind closed doors. This may make the victim feel isolated and alone, feeling that no one will believe them or making them second guess whether or not they may be overreacting about what is happening to them.

Making the decision to free yourself from an abusive relationship is just as difficult, if not more difficult, than healing from it. In many ways, the scars that are left by these relationships cut far deeper than the visible wounds that may be left behind, but going on to live a happy, healthy, loving life is possible. With the right amount of help, support, and time, it is even possible to love and trust yourself and a new partner in a new relationship.

If you believe that you, or someone you know may be in trouble, don't ignore it. If there is someone that you're concerned about, let them know that you care and that you are concerned (and if applicable, their children's) well-being. Resources for assistance include: the National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233) and the National Center for Victims of Crime (800) 394-2255.

Until next time...

S.

Loving again is often the hardest thing to do after you’ve had your heart broken. Allowing yourself the opportunity, space and time to process, grieve and recover from a relationship once it’s ended, is not only beneficial, but a necessary step in moving forward. While the natural inclination may be to build a wall around your heat and vow to never let anyone hurt you again, there are valuable lessons can be learned from loves that don’t last. Here are a few tips that can help you mend a broken heart.

Tip 1 – Don’t romanticize the relationship.

When a relationship comes to an end, avoid the mistake of only remembering “the good times,” or the things that you miss about the person. Be honest with yourself about the good and the bad experiences that were a part of the relationship. Remember: THERE IS A REASON THAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER. Instead of simply trying to “move on,” work toward understanding some important things about the relationship, and yourself. What attracted you to a relationship with this person? Were there any “signs” that you missed or chose to ignore that let you know that the two of you were not compatible? Is there any emotional baggage ( i.e. jealousy, insecurity, low self-esteem) that you may have come into the relationship with that may have contributed to the relationship’s demise? The more objective you can be about the relationship (and your role within it), the better chance you have of being able to utilize the relationship as a stepping stone toward a happier, healthier one in the future.

Tip 2 – Take stock of what you’ve learned.

Although the relationship didn’t go the distance, it doesn’t mean that the lessons that you learn from the experience can’t. As you explore the various aspects of your relationship (as outlined in Tip 1), take the next step and apply what you’ve learned. If you allowed yourself to take a gamble on a less than ideal relationship, why did you make that choice? What changes would you have to make so that you don’t make the same choice in a future situation? If there are some previous wounds that you haven’t healed, what is stopping you from doing so and at what point will you make the decision to tend to those wounds? It is not time that heals all wounds. It is what you do with that time that heals those wounds. Take note of the things that you are doing (or not doing) that may be preventing you from moving on. If you find that you are having difficulty working this step, spend a little more time working on Tip 1.

Tip 3 – Be open to give & receive love again.

Don’t re-injure yourself or deepen the wound by closing yourself off to love. By the same token, don’t rush into a new relationship too quickly either. Doing so only increases the likelihood that you’ll make many of the same mistakes that you did in the previous relationship and find yourself even more deeply hurt and disappointed by yet another broken heart. Instead, go slowly and use what you’ve learned from your previous relationships to your advantage. Equally important, don’t hold your new love responsible for the pain and heartache that you may have previously experienced. Remind yourself as often as necessary that they are not your ex and that the only common denominator between your old love and your new one is Y-O-U. If you see any similarities between them, then go back to Tip 1 and start from the beginning ( i.e. what contributes to your choosing the same kind of mate over and over again?). If you have difficulty arriving at the answer, seek out a qualified professional that may be able to assist you.

Above all, understand that a relationship coming to an end doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people. It simply means that you need different things in order to be satisfied in a relationship. The end of a relationship is a sign that your needs are looking to be filled. Honor yourself by refusing to settle for a relationship that doesn’t have the ability to nourish you in the ways you need it to the most.

HIV & What you probably don't know. Who's at risk ?

Although safe sex messages are a regular part of our society & culture, HIV is still being contracted in epidemic proportions all over the world. In the US, nearly 1 million Americans are infected with HIV. While the virus can also be transmitted through injection equipment with an HIV positive person, the most common way that the virus is spread is through unprotected oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with a person who is HIV+. While we are constantly reminded to practice safe sex, men are often left scratching their heads trying to figure out exactly what that means.

First, know there is no such thing as safe sex. There is only “Safer Sex, since all sexual activity comes with some degree of risk. In order to have the safest sex possible, be aware of common errors that men make that put them at risk for contracting HIV.

Secondly, commit the four bodily fluids that put you at greatest risk for contracting/transmitting the HIV virus to memory. They are, in order of greatest risk: blood, semen, vaginal fluid, and least commonly known, breast milk. Direct contact with these bodily fluids should be avoided. The easiest way to do this is by simply using a latex condom EVERY time you engage in a sexual act. While the use of condoms can dramatically reduce the risk of exposure to HIV, here are a few additional things every man should know...

Avoid condom slippage, breakage, and disintegration

Condom breakage and slippage is typically due to incorrect use rather than poor condom quality. You can avoid this mistake by steering clear of sexual aids that can weaken latex, causing condoms to break. In addition, condoms can be weakened by exposure to heat or sunlight or by age, or they can be torn by teeth or fingernails. Therefore, never keep condoms in your wallet or glove box and use caution when opening condom packaging.

Doubling up doesn’t make you smarter

In fact, it puts you at greater risk of weakening your condom through friction. Instead, apply a few drops of water based lubricant to the inside and outside of your condom to decrease friction (and increase sensation), make sure you are using the proper sized condom, and never reuse a condom after your first climax.

Consider using HER condoms

While male condoms are easier to use, some people prefer female condoms when having vaginal intercourse. This is because they cover more of the woman’s vulva (the external female genitalia that includes the folds of skin (labia), clitoris, and the openings to the urethra and vagina), which may provide additional protection to both partners during sexual intercourse.

Don’t be a Serial Monogamist

It’s a pretty straightforward math – the more partners you (or your partners) have, the more likely it is that you will be exposed to an STD. Therefore, minimize the number of sexual partners that you have. “Serial monogamy,” or dating only one person at a time, but still dating a large number of people each year, is particularly dangerous. This is due to the fact that people who practice serial monogamy are often tempted to stop using safer sex precautions because they view themselves as being in an “exclusive” relationship with each new mate they have.

Love the skin you’re in

Skin that is irritated, inflamed, or blistered is easier to infect than healthy skin. Contracting other types of STDs may also be an indicator that you are not practicing the safest sex possible. Regular medical check-ups and good hygiene should be an important part of your lifestyle.

Good hygiene may be bad for your health

While making a good impression is almost always important, doing things like brushing your teeth, flossing your gums, and cutting your nails should be avoided before a date where sexual activity (including oral sex) is likely. This is because these types of activities can cause microscopic tears in your skin, allowing the HIV virus direct access to your blood stream.

Know where you live

If you live in a community with a high prevalence of STDs, you are more likely to be exposed to an STD any time you have sex. Therefore, do your homework by contacting your local health department, or visiting the website to learn more about your city/state’s rates of infection for diseases including Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and HIV.

Recognize that age IS more than a number

Young people (15-25) and seniors (50+) are far more likely to be infected with STDs than other age groups. While young women are more biologically susceptible to STDs than older women, men and women from both age groups may be less likely to use condoms, more likely to engage in sexual risk taking, and more likely to have multiple partners. Extra care should be taken, no matter your age to always practice the safest sex possible. Next to abstinence, it is your safest bet to avoiding contracting, or transmitting HIV.

Ladies...don't hit the snooze button on this.

Sometime earlier this year, I heard a quote that I believe every woman needs to hear: “In order to live the life of your dreams, WAKE UP !” Seems simple enough; or does it ? The sad reality is many women can’t find the “control button” that will take their lives from extra ordinary to extraordinary. The reason ? They’ve unknowingly (or worse, purposely) fallen asleep at the steering wheel of their lives and are living on “autopilot.” As we progress into 2009, I hope that women will awaken and regain control over their lives.

For many women, the toughest task will be the first ; simply knowing and believing that you are worth it. Many of us have allowed ourselves to become so run down under the weight of life’s disappointments that we no longer want to take a chance on living the life of our dreams. We’re afraid of being let down, yet again. We don’t want to be hurt or disappointed by putting everything we have into someone or something else, only to be hurt as we have been so many times before. Because of this, we stop taking a chance on life, on love, and on ourselves.

If you want to reestablish the joy, happiness, and power in your life, then you must first reclaim yourself, for yourself. You must own the undeniable fact that you, as an individual, have purpose, value, and meaning. Once you do that, you will better be able to understand why you have been blessed with the gifts, talents, and challenges that have been afforded to you.

Women must also understand that the quality of the relationships in our lives is a reflection of the quality of the relationship that we're in with ourselves. When you know your worth, you expect others to treat you accordingly. If you think highly of yourself, you refuse to let others treat you in ways that devalue you. However, if you have a lower self-esteem, you are likely to allow people to mistreat you. Accepting less than the best of what life has to offer isn't an option. My advice ? WAKE UP.

As women, we also must begin to not only make better choices, but also, to hold ourselves accountable for those decisions. The fact is; our lives are shaped by the choices we make. If you live your life believing you are simply “taking life as it comes” or, trying your best to “play the hand that you’ve been dealt,” you’re not living a dream...you’re living a nightmare. Wake up. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE ! Understand it ! Own it ! Seize it !

Finally, women should regain an earnest appreciation for alone time. Too many of today’s women are afraid to be alone. We buy into society’s unspoken stigma that if we are single, then we are somehow less special, or important, than someone who is in a committed relationship. We also allow ourselves to become obsessed with the thought of if we aren't constantly searching, meeting and dating someone, that we are somehow going to miss out on the person we are destined for. Isn’t that oxymoronic ? Of course it is. Yet, we allow this cycle to continue.

As we progress into a new year, we must recognize that each moment, is one we cannot get back. And more importantly, each moment is directly connected to the next. Therefore, what we do now not only defines our present, but our future. The sooner that we recognize this, the sooner we will be able to harness the power that exists within us all.